12/4/2013
During the past period,
Too many emotions encountered my sole heart; ones that their multitude may cause schizophrenia…. ones like sadness,grief, charm, rage, joy, jealousy, desperation, wonder, boredom, hate, torment, pleasure, pride, thrill, rejection, isolation, anguish, fury, wrath, desire, surprise, disgust, worry, horror, longing, hysteria, sympathy & guilt…
I held on to my faith, my hope & most of all… my Love…
I held on so much… that holding on was too much to handle…
I held on in a way… that silence became my only language…
I have confined myself in my writings, my readings & most of all… God…
& I am not to be blamed for confining myself, by anyone except for me…
If a blame should ever be; it would be for those layers & shells I have suffused & corrupted within me…
I realized I’ve been living two lives… one that’s behind my papers &another one with human beings…
I have been leaping between the immaterial & the mundane, between silent music & rattling noises…mixing joy with pleasures & depth with chaos…
& when you lose the sense of whom you are being… you’re drifted to be anything…
& that kind of freedom comes, it comes with bars around. That you may be imprisoned for a lifetime for not being what you were meant to be…
You lose depth for chaos…
You forget joy for pleasures…
You can’t recognize music anymore, leading a life of random noises…
All that’s confined in you… erodes…
I have been told that I am not what I seem to be; that my writings reveal someone I am not…
I neither say nor act what I write… I try to live it… silently… secretly… in shades, you can’t see… in discrete music, you can’t listen… in little things… that only & only those who may see or hear such may feel them…
I may fail sometimes…
Yet all is confined deep inside… of one heart, of one mind…
For what you cannot hear or see, do not try to blame me…
But yes I’m to be blamed for leaping too often & mixing too much…
For oceans of times may flow in a moment;
all can I do is to confine myself in my writings, my readings & most of all…my God…
7/4/2016
In time to the most innate and uncanny ways possible…
What I wrote during one of the biggest leaps of transformation of my Life… & here I am reading it back… Judging myself and re-evaluating the whole system of beliefs that I once had.
Here I am renouncing a life of an unsettling dichotomy…
I need not confine myself if all is confined deep within… It’s all deep within… It’s always been.. It’ll always be… deep within…
This is exactly why your life should serve the maxim deep inside…
It should be altered by it…
It should be moved ardently from deep within…
The confinement approach is useless, then. Unless it serves a higher purpose.
& though all can I do is to confine myself in my writings, my readings & most of all…my God…
Yet all of these lie deep within… So your confinement is good enough if you overflow with it.
With the inner grace… with God’s own essence…
Overflowing is essential…
So the focus should not be on what you’re doing… but rather what you’re being…
not what you seem to be on the outside… but rather what you try to be on the inside…
not what you try to be built without… but rather what you establish within…
9/4/2017
& then a certain prayer I came to know;
Long as I learned to properly pray, the kind of prayers that would convey you to heavens promptly, that kind they say will let you touch God within.
Such prayer, unlike any other prayer, was silent, wordless, emotionless, a whisper into the air, a stroke upon the dust. A prayer that can only be sensed by the prayer & the God to whom you pray.
The problem is; if you found God within & then at a point you ceased to. You can never find him back in anything else but within. God, for me, was manifested inside out.
Such manifestation was doomed because of the multitude. The myriad perpetual subliminal entities forever fighting within. It appears that the psychological toll of such thoughts — the extravagance, the sublimity, the obscure murkiness that shades the most of them. Such state of psychological entropy — the restlessness, the multitude, the legion that begins to wander across the fabrics of your own inner self. You cannot fight the multitude within you. You cannot unite them under your own banner. You need more.
For such a deep inducement that arrays myriad emotions, apathy mingled with empathy, love mixed with hate, anger mixed with serenity. A dichotomized state of mind. An opposite. An indestructible terror, an unresolved error, scratching ubiquitously at the back of my head.
Such conflict is not of social-vs-individual nature. But an inner one. A self-destructive torment — may it end in ruin or rapture, in grace or damnation, in heaven or hell. There is no way but to keep confinement. To keep believing in everything. To keep the prayer igniting as much as the breaths your soul may give in fighting…
May the next mantra be; All or nothing at all.
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